eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
