I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Randomize
