I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
