I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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