how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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