im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
