p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
