So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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