hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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