I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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