Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
