she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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