from now on my penis is your penis
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
