"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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