i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
