If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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