Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
