Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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