It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
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so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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