sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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