I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
