Got a toothbrush?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
