i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
