Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
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Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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