and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
