Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
false alarm, still single
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
