What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
