A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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