yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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