Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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