I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
