well I can't set my house on fire every night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
