he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
