So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
