He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.