I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero