Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.