You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
