You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
