In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
COCAINE IS GR8
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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