I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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