South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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