Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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