just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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