Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
