I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
