I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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