Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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