for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
