I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
