Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
