fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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