Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
