I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she peed on how many people?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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