i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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