So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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