i wish there were pregnant emoticons
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
high people should be assigned attendants
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
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